


Her.

by never_bloom_again



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Carl Buford mentioned, Cheating, Derek whump, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Endgame Moreid, Hurt Derek, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insecure Derek Morgan, Insecurity, M/M, Spencer cheats on Derek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:53:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24498985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/never_bloom_again/pseuds/never_bloom_again
Summary: “You will never do it again, right Prett… Spencer?”“I will never do it again. Derek, I swear to you. I regret it, and would do anything to take it back.”“I’m so sorry… I will try to be better, I will do everything I can so that you don’t have to leave me again.”
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 20
Kudos: 52





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy this! This story is about cheating, however Derek and Spencer stay together despite that, so if that makes you uncomfortable, then don't read. There is no smut, but sex is talked about, especially the effects of Buford and his actions.

Spencer hadn’t meant for things to get this far. At first he hadn’t even realised what it was. A fellow scientist messaged him, wanted to talk to him. When she had asked him to hang out, he had said yes. In hindsight, he regretted that more than anything. He should have realised, should have said no.

But he went out, and when she kissed him, he didn’t push her away. Spencer didn’t even know why he didn’t. Even as she took things further. He never stopped, never thought. But it was too late now to turn back, to change what he had done.

He tried to keep it a secret, fully aware of how much it would hurt Derek, but the guilt was quickly too much. So sheepishly, he approached Derek, praying that he wouldn’t be met with anger, with a request to break up - even if that was without a doubt what he deserved.

His wildest imagination couldn’t have prepared him for what his partner would say. At first he just looked slightly up to meet Spencer’s eyes, broken. He sat down and cried. Derek had never looked so vulnerable, and Spencer wished more than ever before that he could go back in time, say no, do anything to save Derek this pain he now suffered.

Spencer was so quickly forgiven, he could barely believe it. 

“It’s okay, I swear, I love you. We can move past this.” 

“Derek, you don’t have to forgive me. I know I did the wrong thing, I don’t expect anything from you.”

Something in what he said seemed to further upset his partner.

“You will never do it again, right Prett… Spencer?”

“I will never do it again. Derek, I swear to you. I regret it, and would do anything to take it back.”

The tears on the older man’s face tore Spencer’s heart in two. What Derek said next seemed so painfully out of character, something so weak from a man so remarkably strong.

“I’m so sorry… I will try to be better, I will do everything I can, so that you don’t have to leave me again.”

Spencer nearly began to sob at that. It wasn’t up to Derek to change, he had done nothing wrong, but he had a feeling it would be a long road to get Derek to see it that way.

“Der, I swear, it’s not your fault. I’m the one who did the wrong thing. Not you.”

A switch seemed to flip somewhere deep inside Derek’s mind.

“Spencer, if I were a better boyfriend, you wouldn’t have had to go to… to her. I know I have my flaws, and I am trying my best to be good enough for you. If you need to though, you can go to her again, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have made you promise not to. I know you probably need something that I can’t give you. If you are going to see her though, can you tell me? If you tell me what I need to change though, I will try, I swear. Just ple-” he let out a choked sob, “please don’t leave me, Pretty Boy.”

Seeing the man who was normally such an alpha-male type sitting on their couch, tears streaming down his face was killing Spencer. As much as it killed him to leave Derek alone in his state, he knew he had to take a step back, give them both a chance to calm down and think this through.

“Hey Der, I’m going to go out for a walk. I’ll be back soon, and I’m not doing this to leave you, I just think we both need a chance to think this through. I love you so much.”

Derek nodded from the couch, “I love you too. Please come back soon?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek has been left alone at home, with nothing but Clooney and his thoughts.

When Spencer left, Derek managed to get himself up from the couch. 

“Hey Clooney,” he called out to the dog, his voice rough from the tears he just couldn’t seem to stop.

Clooney barked in reply, running to follow just behind Derek’s feet, as he slowly made the way to his bedroom.

He lay down on the bed, thinking about what mistake he made that tipped the iceberg, that made Spencer realise that he alone could not be good enough. 

Maybe it was the long hours he had been putting in at work, to help lift the burden off of Hotch, who was much better off spending time with Jack than doing paperwork. It had cut into the time he had to spend with Spencer, but he still tried his best to spend as much with him as he could.

Maybe it was that he didn’t spend enough time with Spencer doing his geeky and nerdy things. He had tried his best to be involved, but sometimes he chose to go to the gym instead of going to a chess competition, or picked an action movie instead of a new sci-fi one that would be more Spencer’s thing.

Maybe it was because he was so stupid in comparison. Spencer had such a bright, intelligent mind, and he must have gotten bored with him never being able to keep up, always getting lost as soon as he began talking about some classic literature, or some complex scientific or mathematical concept. It would explain why he slept with a scientist.

Maybe it was that he still wasn’t fully comfortable with sex. He tried, and he did his best to please Spence, but he still didn’t feel comfortable bottoming, and only rarely was he okay with topping. Given Spencer had gone and slept with a girl, that could be it, he wanted to fuck Derek, and Derek wouldn’t let him. 

Even thinking about it made him uncomfortable. Thoughts of Buford overwhelmed him, and without Spencer by his side to help him, as he had every time the memories got too much for so many years now, he didn’t know what to do.

Derek got up from the bed, reaching into the closet to grab one of the jumpers from Spencer’s section, one that his partner had accidentally bought a few sizes too big years ago, one that smelt like his Pretty Boy from being worn frequently. He pulled it over his head, breathing in, feeling just a small bit calmer.

Derek climbed into their bed, letting Clooney jump up with him, despite being against the normal rules, just to help him feel not quite so alone. 

Derek swore to change himself, uphold his promise to Spencer and be a better boyfriend so he wouldn’t have to go and find sex with someone else, that would surely turn into romance eventually, because his partner was not the kind of person to go out and have meaningless sex in the long term.

Derek wasn’t going to lie, and say it didn’t hurt that everything had turned out the way it did, but the onus was on him, not on Spencer. So he was going to start leaving work earlier as much as he could, doing all of the things Spencer wanted to do, even if they sounded horrendously dull and boring to himself, and he would have sex. He would do it to please Spencer, because he would rather live with the memories of Buford haunting him even more, than live in a world where he wasn’t with Spencer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! I know this is pretty short, but the next chapter is longer!


	3. Chapter 3

It had been a few weeks since the horrible conversations had happened, within which Spencer had noted a significant change in Derek’s behaviour.

Despite Spencer’s constant reassurance that Derek was a great boyfriend, and that he loved him so much, he kept changing. In many ways, he had been being even kinder, more caring and considerate of Spencer’s needs than ever before. If it weren’t for two factors, Spencer would have thought the change was a good thing.

The first factor was obviously the day where everything came to light - Spencer cheating on him, and Derek thinking Spencer didn’t want him. Spencer knew that as much as it had hurt him to see his boyfriend looking so fragile as he swore to do better, and much as it had torn his heart in two to come home to see Derek lying on Spencer’s side of the bed, in his jumper, desperately clinging onto Clooney, dried tears staining his dark skin, he had come out of the whole ordeal unharmed. He still had his boyfriend, despite fucking up, seriously. Derek on the other hand was all types of not okay.

The second thing that alerted Spencer to just how wrong everything was were the nightmares that seemed to have multiplied since their discussion. Almost every night, Spencer had been woken up by kicking, screaming, or soft, broken pleas from his boyfriend, lost in bad memories in his tumultuous sleep. Spencer could easily guess what they were about, and was left having to, because when Spencer woke him up, every time Derek would refuse to discuss them, in a very stubborn way. At least his stubbornness hadn't completely changed.

He had enjoyed Derek leaving work earlier to go out on dates, or just so they could lounge around the house or play with Clooney. He was overjoyed when Derek actually tuned in to his rants about Russian literature and physics and all manner of things that he didn’t understand, and when he agreed to come and watch Spencer play a chess competition, rather than choosing to go and do something else. But he hated why he was doing it, that this plan he had to ‘earn’ Spencer’s love seemed to be costing Derek any peace from the haunting thoughts and memories inside his head.

It was a Friday evening when everything truly came to a halt. Derek had left earlier, bringing a pile of reports in his bag. They had gone out to a lovely Italian restaurant, enjoying the romantic atmosphere, and when they got home, the logical next step was for them to have sex.

They hadn’t had sex in any way since everything came out into the open, and Spencer was cautious given the nightmares that Derek had been having. But Derek was enthusiastic, so he hesitantly decided to go ahead and do it.

But once they were both on the bed, naked and touching each other, Derek said something that shocked him. 

“I want you to fuck me,” he panted.

Spencer immediately recoiled in shock, suddenly realising that his instincts that something was wrong, were right. He stayed silent for a moment, and Derek began to look uncomfortable, quickly gathering his clothes and redressing.

“I’m sorry… I thought that was what you wanted?”

Spencer once again felt horrible for what he had done. Of course that would be the conclusion that his insecure boyfriend would jump to. Knowing that what needed to happen next was discussion, Spencer quickly redressed as well.

“Der, you don’t need to do this for me,” he said, reaching out to hold the hand of his boyfriend, who was cowering on the other side of the bed, as far from Spencer as he could, looking ashamed. 

“I’m sorry,” he whimpered, “I didn’t mean to upset you. I thought you wanted this? I worked out why you slept with her. Well, there are a few reasons. I don’t give you enough attention, and I never understand what you talk about or what you want to do.”

There was silence in the room for a moment, Derek too afraid to continue, and Spencer unwilling to interrupt his partner saying what he needed to tell him.

“Pretty Boy, I’m so, so sorry. It’s my fault. If I had just gotten over myself and let you fuck me… You never would have had to find someone else to...”

As Derek’s voice trailed off, Spencer hated being right. He had gone and fucked a girl, so Derek would assume Spence wanted to fuck him, when in actual fact, it was just a stupid mistake, and despite his incredible mind and incredible memory, he couldn’t remember or figure out why he had made it.

Spencer let go of Derek’s hand for just a moment, and he flinched, sure that he was going to be left alone, again, that this would be the final breaking point. But just a moment later, Spencer had crossed the bed to sit next to him, grabbing him in his arms and holding him tight.

“Derek. I need you to know this. I can live without ever having sex with you. I can live without sex, or anything even close to it, if that is what would make your life the best. I didn’t have sex with her because I wanted to have sex with you, I did it in a total lapse in judgement, and I wish I could take it back. I love you so much, more than anything.”

Derek looked up from Spencer’s chest, where he had his head resting.

“I don’t want you to live without sex. I want to get there. I just can’t.”

He looked full of defeat, but Spencer was quick to reassure him.

“Well that's good too. I won’t give you any statistics for it, because I know you’d hate that,” they both let out half hearted laughs, “But I think you can get there, and I will be there with you every step of the way. But never feel any pressure from me to do that. You are fine just how you are.”

A slight smile took over Derek’s face. 

“I love you Pretty Boy,” he said before pausing, “You’re good at those emotional speeches.”

They both laughed, lying down, cuddled in each other’s arms, their relationship stronger than it had been for a while.

“I love you Derek, so incredibly much. Never forget that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you have enjoyed this fic! <3

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed. I know I should have been working on my other fic, but I saw this prompt and couldn't help myself! I will be uploading this story to a schedule, so the next part should be out tomorrow, and the final part the day after that :)


End file.
